lafayette gregory
Well-Known Fanatic
(Shamelessly copied from another forum)
Things I Learned in the Woods:
1. When trying to hide from other people in the forest, no one looks up in the trees.
2. When whacking off in your tent at night, turn the lantern off.
3. Almost any god-awful tasting meal can be made edible by making it hot, and adding pepper.
4. Swarms of bees are attracted to the urine residue from the guy who pissed in his sleeping bag.
5. I hate crapping in the woods. I love my toilet.
6. Bears are a lot scarier in real life than they are on TV.
7. Flaming marshmallows hurt when they stick to your skin.
8. When you're skinny dipping in mountain streams/lakes, and are "discovered" by a group of female hikers, your penis will have never been more shrunken and tiny.
9. It doesn't matter how much you spent on the tent, or what the fly is made out of, or how careful you were selecting your site: You're still going to get wet.
10. Passing gas in a mummy bag sucks.
11. Your brand new, super high-tech, carbon-fiber, silicone-gripped, high-carbon-steel-tipped Walking Assist System isn't as cool as that old hiker's 40-year-old gnarled, sweat-stained staff.
12. An ensolite pad is crap, nominal padding. Until the first time you have to bivouac without one.
13. You really should have filled your canteen at that last water station.
14. Odds are that you're better at Orienteering than your Scoutmaster is. This is usually proved in darkness.
15. Diarrhea is never fun...but it's worse in the woods.
16. #15 above will only happen on "Big Push" days on the trail.
17. Unknowingly crapping on a rattlesnake is not only possible??it's also extremely invigorating.
18. The only thing more humiliating than the shrunken penis/female hiker thing is being politely asked by that same group of females on the trail if they can pass your group because "they're just in a hurry??it's not because you guys are slow, or anything."
19. Don't. Look. Down. Also: Bad idea to look Over The Edge Of The Trail.
20. Everything at night sounds like a woman screaming for help, as she's being eaten by Aliens.
Things I Learned in the Woods:
1. When trying to hide from other people in the forest, no one looks up in the trees.
2. When whacking off in your tent at night, turn the lantern off.
3. Almost any god-awful tasting meal can be made edible by making it hot, and adding pepper.
4. Swarms of bees are attracted to the urine residue from the guy who pissed in his sleeping bag.
5. I hate crapping in the woods. I love my toilet.
6. Bears are a lot scarier in real life than they are on TV.
7. Flaming marshmallows hurt when they stick to your skin.
8. When you're skinny dipping in mountain streams/lakes, and are "discovered" by a group of female hikers, your penis will have never been more shrunken and tiny.
9. It doesn't matter how much you spent on the tent, or what the fly is made out of, or how careful you were selecting your site: You're still going to get wet.
10. Passing gas in a mummy bag sucks.
11. Your brand new, super high-tech, carbon-fiber, silicone-gripped, high-carbon-steel-tipped Walking Assist System isn't as cool as that old hiker's 40-year-old gnarled, sweat-stained staff.
12. An ensolite pad is crap, nominal padding. Until the first time you have to bivouac without one.
13. You really should have filled your canteen at that last water station.
14. Odds are that you're better at Orienteering than your Scoutmaster is. This is usually proved in darkness.
15. Diarrhea is never fun...but it's worse in the woods.
16. #15 above will only happen on "Big Push" days on the trail.
17. Unknowingly crapping on a rattlesnake is not only possible??it's also extremely invigorating.
18. The only thing more humiliating than the shrunken penis/female hiker thing is being politely asked by that same group of females on the trail if they can pass your group because "they're just in a hurry??it's not because you guys are slow, or anything."
19. Don't. Look. Down. Also: Bad idea to look Over The Edge Of The Trail.
20. Everything at night sounds like a woman screaming for help, as she's being eaten by Aliens.
